Look, I'm not doing this for you, but for my own dark and twisted reasons. Oh, and because everyone else is doing it.


June 19, 2006

Oh dearie dear

The Slama forwarded some modern dating etiquette tips to me today (from New York Magazine's Urban Etiquette Handbook), fully aware that I have been remiss in regard to some of these, now, commonly held tenets. I'm not telling which ones I've gotten wrong recently...

What obligations does one have after a one-night stand?
They correlate directly to the expectations raised the night before. If you wooed your one-nighter to bed with promises of Central Park picnics and weekends in the Hamptons, you are obliged to follow through. But if you made no false promises in order to close the deal, then you simply need to be polite. If the liaison takes place in your own apartment, let your new friend stay the night and offer to cook/pay for a quick breakfast, but don't dilly dally in your effort to get to that place you "need to be" the next day. If the tryst is at the other person's place and you wish to depart, engage in light caressing and conversation for at least twenty minutes. If you decide to sneak out at 5 A.M. instead, leave a YOU WERE GREAT LAST NIGHT note on a Post-it or napkin. Don't ask for a phone number if you have no intention of dialing it, and don't leave yours if you plan on accidentally making the "6" look like a "0."

If you start dating someone you met online, at what point should you take down/hide your personal ad?
Taking down your personal ad, like referring to someone as your "boyfriend" or "girlfriend," is a step that should be taken once you have reached Mutually Acknowledged Monogamy. You can't make any assumptions until you've had The Talk: Until you utter or hear the words "Let's be exclusive," you can't expect your partner's ad to come down.

How do you respond to an online personal message from someone whose picture you don't like?
If you've established an e-mail connection before seeing the other person's photo, which then reveals a mullet or other disturbing feature, you must suffer the consequences of jumping the gun. Set up a very brief coffee date and hope that the person doesn't photograph well.

Who pays the bill on a date?
The asker pays, unless the woman does the asking—then the man should pay. If the check is on the table and her suitor hasn’t moved for it, a woman should allow him a one-bathroom-trip grace period. If it's still there when she comes back, she should split the bill but is entirely free to silently ruminate about what a cheap jerk he is. (For same-sex couples, the asker really does pay.)

How do you end an exchange of witty, flirtatious e-mail banter?
The exchange of witty, flirtatious banter is admittedly the e-mail quagmire with the fewest number of obvious exit strategies. Nonetheless, it should be resolved like real-time witty, flirtatious banter: with one party either summoning the courage to ask for a date or ending the quasi relationship by means of unexplained unresponsiveness.

When is it acceptable to Blackberry during a conversation?
When it's a "conversation' in the sense of "The New School Presents a Conversation With Harold Bloom" and you're there. Otherwise, never. This remains one of society's most frequent breaches of basic human decency. Seriously, what is wrong with those people?!?

Funny stuff. I definitely recommend reading the entire piece.

Also, my nerve horoscope cracked me up today, but is completely off-base (although, I think I've found my newest catchphrase):

Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22) You need to stop yelling at your lovers, "Get down there and lick my mork, goddamn it!" Upsetting sex-organ euphemisms aside, this demanding demeanor is off-putting. This week, practice generosity. Pleasing someone else in bed is half the pleasure of sex, and good karma to boot. Don't be afraid to get down on your knees - submission can be its own reward.

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