non ho capito (i don't understand)

Okay. Am I the only one not getting the whole point of the Winter Olympic's opening sequence? Was it Dante's Inferno? Which ring of hell do the Tree Men live in? What was up with the wiggling legs thing? And what about the skating cows???? And the waltzing couple dressed as cows??? Seriously, Italy. What are you on, and where can I get some?

Update 1: Please don't tell me that I missed Pavarotti. I think I did. Damn my telenovela addiction.

Update 2: I understand using the disco music to keep the crowd bumping along through the parade of awful winter fashion (Brazil, I'm talking to you), but it is a tad undignified. Then again, better than that awful europop during the opening sequence.

Update 3: Why are winter hats so ugly? I mean, I get why Canada was wearing the usual Strange Brew look, but yikes. Estonia did okay, but you really have to be twisted to screw up a knit cap. I need one of the US hats; I have the perfect hair for it.

Update 4: How does Bob Costas keep it together? He's quite a diplomat (he was incredibly generous during the skating cow sequence), but even he remarked on the seemingly random mix of bad 80's American pop music that is accompanying the parade of athletes. ("And what survey of American pop tunes would be complete without the Village People?" I love you, Bob; you make me slightly proud of being Midwestern.)

Update 5: The waving be-mittened Swedes - cute - but the yellow pants are killing me. What's up with that? Turkey, Turkey, Turkey - simply awful. I've seen better prison uniforms.

Update 6: Loving Italy's coats. They're not wearing hats and so look far more dignified and stylish than the other teams. But this is where I could use Steven Cojocaru instead of Bobby Costas - I need to know who designed their ensembles. Apparently, they're walking in to some famous (and really just awful) Italian pop song. I'd prefer reggaeton to this crap.

Random Observation 1: Canada totally needs to hire Cirque du Soleil (since they are based in Canada) to arrange their opener when they host. They should also pay me for having thought of that.

Update 7: And the Italians save the whole damn thing with brilliant pyrotechnics (best lighting of the flame in recent history) and Luciano Pavarotti (who would be so much hotter if he would just go grey).

And here commences my lusting after various Olympic athletes.