Look, I'm not doing this for you, but for my own dark and twisted reasons. Oh, and because everyone else is doing it.


April 04, 2006

the water's still too cold, i forgot my floaties, just ate...

Online dating is still an unpleasant prospect, so I'm staying out of the online dating pool for just a bit longer. I had tentative plans to meet with an Italian flight attendant (a male flight attendant) last night, and let a headache get in the way. That's right. I cancelled a sure thing. At least the messages I get from the meetic guys are hilarious (these are the ones that I don't plan to respond to - and one I plan to "block"):

From somewhere in France (I recommend reading this aloud with a Pepe le Pew sort of accent): "hello, I am French and I seek has to make meeting to make knowledge and to communicate have msn to speak? I would be happy. bye" [Thanks, Pepe. I seek has to make pushing to make delete. Keep on keepin' on!]

From Madrid (como se dice "stalker" en espanol?): Hi, corazon....veo tu foto y me gustaria poder tomar tuca bello y besarte en la boca...despacio...durante mucho tiempo [Ick.] !!.....toda una tarde besandote y viendo tus ojos maravillosos....Sorry [Then stop with the kissing and looking into my eyes crap you dork.]!. Es lo que he sentido al ver tu foto [Dude - just go buy a nudie magazine - I guarantee you'll have more of a relationship with it than you could with me.]....podria haberlo suavizado o incluso hacer un poema omaquillarlo o suavizarlo.....pero "la verdad" de lo que he sentido....ya te la he dicho!. La culpa la tiene tu pais [?].....es un país en el que se dice la verdad de lo que uno siente [??]....yo acabo de venir de alli....he estado una semana en Los Angeles y un mes en Miami [Did you pay attention when they delivered all those restraining orders?]...ahora que estoy en Espana me he metido en esto de buscar pareja por internet y me doy cuenta de que existen mujeres maravillosas como tu [Which you divined from my 5 sentence narrative statement. Riiiiiight.] ....con esa mirada...en ella veo tu alma....un alma grande, limpia y noble....y tan femenina [You, amigo mio, spend way too much time watching telenovelas and reading Spanish Cosmo.] !. Me motivas mucho [I think this might be a nice way to say something dirty, but I so don't want to think about that.]....esta noche no sé si lograre poder dormir [Oh jeez.] ...tengo tus ojos en mis ojos...tu frente, tus cejas, tu nariz, tuboca, tu pelo [You just had to go there. What a tool.]......Me gustaria mucho poder estar contigo y tomar un buen vino (español, por supuesto)....esta bien!,tambien puede ser de California....ja, ja, ja.. [Like "lol", "ja, ja, ja" also annoys the crap out of me.] Que bonitoes sonar!. De todas maneras te doy mi direccion de correo: ____@hotmail.com y mis numeros de teléfono: [yeah - I'm so going to lay out the international long distance dollars to speak to a guy that calls me "corazon de melon" WTF?] Llámame y hablaremos....ya sabes lo que se dice: que hablando se entiende la gente!!. Te mando un beso muy fuerte. Cuidate cielo. Bye. Angel Jose. [Don't hold your breath, AJ. Wait, on second thought, do.]

From Belgium (this one seems normal): Hi, Why are always the women that I find great 9000KM from my place?Anyway, I hope you'll find what you're looking for. Regards, Serge From Brussels [Actually, this guy probably deserves a nice note.]

From Alabama (this one liked me so much he sent the same message twice - I have no doubt that it is his standard letter that he has sent to at least 50 women in the past 36 hours): Hello there, I'm James M----n by name and I reside in Enterprise city in AL, USA. After going through your profile, I think it'll be nice getting to know you better. I'm a young man of 36 and I'm also a business man. I'm 5ft 7" tall [He's barely a hair over 5'5.5".] . I'm single [well, let's hope so] and I'm seeking for a serious relationship which I hopefully believe that I'll find one on here. It might surprise you that I'm yet to marry at my age [Nope], but I think when we get to know each other much better, you get to know more about me. I'll love to know more about you too. So my contact email address is [sends both yahoo and hotmail addresses, which are incredibly similar]. I'll be waiting for your response. [Riiiiight.] Have a nice day.

From Lisbon: hello baby [As an opening line, 'hello baby' doesn't even work for me in person], how are you, fine i hope...you have a nice and pretty face...i send you a e-mail from Lisbon, have you eard about it [Wouldn't that be sort of like my asking him if he had ever heard of Washington DC? WTF?]...tell-me more about you..kisses

But the chemistry crew is just as bad. I was "matched" with this one guy that had 25 photos in his profile. Only one of those photos was actually of him, and it was obviously dated. So, we get to the second stage of things where you trade 2 questions, and his questions are simply statements about how he doesn't like the process and won't answer any questions and that if I am interested in meeting to check out his match profile (would it be okay for me to provide this info in this forum? Because I think I need to warn my fellow women about this arrogant f*ck - it is 35mmcamera). His profile had a few red flags. And apparently his sign-on name for chemistry is "obgynmd", and no, he's not a doctor. I hit delete PDQ.

I'm concerned that I find this all so amusing.

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