blogging under the influence again

Twas still several nights before Christmas when all through the studio,
The bags were all packed and I was singing Feliz Navidad by Julio.

The clean laundry was folded and stuffed into an armoire with great force,
In the hopes that it would stay put at least till I had left the city.

The dust-bunnies were all nestled in a giant heap under my sofa,
Bringing soft comfort to other small creatures that I like to think don't also live here.

Me in my pyjamas with hair looking quite simply frightening,
Had logged into blogger to convey my gladdest tidings.

And I had just really gotten going when all of a sudden
I realized that the Lunesta - control over my brain it had taken!

(Finally. It didn't work at all last night.)

In short, I will be springing to my bed instead of from for some much needed shut-eye. Santa doesn't need me to micromanage his process. Hey, I wonder if he'd like a job at FEMA.

To my wonderful friends - I hope your holidays are quite merry, and to see you safe and successful this New Year.

oddly correct

Those of you who really know me will see the resemblance in this week's horoscope from Nerve. This knowledge may also cause you a little discomfort...

Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22) Putting your hands in your pockets feels good. The chilly weather gives you reason to fiddle around in there constantly this week, keeping continuous contact with those year-round Christmas presents from God [ed. note - this is the funniest thing I've heard in a while]. And what else do we find in those pockets? Money? Hooray! Keep in mind that the aforementioned holiday plants all sorts of fiscal traps for you, so when shopping for others, keep your hands in your pockets while browsing the overpriced shirts at Steven Alan and don't take them out till you get to Wholesale Liquidation Warehouse.

catching up on my correspondence

Dear Family,
I love you all and can't wait to see you next week! For your convenience I thought I'd list a few items that I would love to have for Christmas:
1. American Idiot by Green Day;
2. Saline solution, since I always forget to pack it;
3. A few minutes alone every day since I'm used to living alone and need "me" time to stay sane;
4. Fresh coffee. Not that crap that comes in a can by Folgers, but some freshly ground beans, and also some non-dairy coffee creamer; and
5. Something cute from that little shop down the street where mom spent $1200 on stuff like buffet table lamps.
Love,
WP

Dear Santa,
It has been a very long time since we last corresponded. You can blame that on Cousin Debbie, who took it upon herself to tell me that you were a big fat fabrication when I was five. My mother has never forgiven her for that. Anyway, you're too nice a concept to not believe in. Given my cousin's unforgiveable gaffe, please consider this list my attempt to make up for the past 30 years:
1. A Marc Jacobs Multi-Pocket Calfskin Hobo - I need it;
2. A new winter coat - I'm fine with cashmere, but prefer black to beige;
3. Fantastic bedlinens; and
4. Milka chocolate - can't find it anywhere anymore.
Thanks, Santa!!! You're so best!
WP

Dear GOD,
We talk just about everyday (I count the times that I take Your name in vain because I know You're listening - sorry about that), but this is the first time in this format.
There are a few things I'd like Your help with this year:
1. Help me control my spending so that I can afford to take a vacation with the Alabama Slama next Fall - we're thinking about Argentina!
2. Help me to improve my attitude about my job so that my bosses continue to be as enthusiastic about me as I should be about them;
3. Please help me to stay healthy;
4. Please keep my family and friends happy and in good health; and
5. Please send me a guy that knocks my socks off.
All my love to You and Your Son,
WP

seven more nights and then they're mine

Sometimes I feel like the only reason I work is so I can afford plane tickets home to see my family - especially my niece and nephew. I feel I've done due dilligence in obtaining the role of favorite aunt, but my work is never done.

This year, Supreme Nephew is getting exactly what he asked for and much much more!!! Per his very sweet request, I hit the National Air and Space Museum and picked out some truly kick-ass space toys for his enjoyment. And I've even located some cute things for his birthday, which falls on January 7th.

Divine Niece is getting an adorable Baby Einstein toy and two fabulous baby outfits from Nordstrom. She's 8 months and weighing in at 20 lbs - her mom says that she's looking like stuffed sausage in most of her outfits. I call home daily just to talk to her. What moron calls infants on the phone? This moron. Sometime she babbles back at me, which makes my day.

I'm also really excited about the gifts I've picked out for my mom, dad, sister and brother in law - I live for the moment when they open the gifts and I find out that I did a good job and really pleased them. But really, I just can't wait to get home to them all. It will really feel like Christmas then, and I get to focus on them instead of the soul-suckery that has been my work-life since September 1st. I want to wake up to my funny nephew and his excitement at having me at his beck and call. I want to carry my niece around everywhere and just love them both as much as can be! I want to make them breakfast, sit with them while they play, discuss why Sponge Bob is totally the best, read books to them, make cookies with them, buy them gifts when I'm not supposed to, prevent them from being picked on, and to know just how insanely in love with them I really am. I want to hug and kiss on my mom and dad every day, and try to make their lives easier for a few days by running their errands and keep the kids busy. I want to help my sister and brother in law as well, and I'd love to be able to get some quality time with my sister, since I'm crazy about her.

And even though this means I'm bound to return to DC suffering from exhaustion, the manic amount of running around and care is rather soul-healing, and our love for each other keeps me going. 

tired of downer horoscopes (alternate title: i'm the new mrs. potatohead)

The smartasses at nerve.com apparently hate Librans (which doesn't make any sense since Librans are the mothers of all cheap dates), so I've decided to go with Scorpio's horoscope this week:

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)Like a Sufjan Stevens song title, you're verbose, if not exactly coherent. This week, you'll choose to be oblique for a variety of reasons: it's stylish, it's safe, you get to wear your sunglasses indoors, and you need not offer a direct reply when asked whether you'd like a glass of juice. Instead of fighting this, embrace it and follow it to its logical conclusion. Don't just be fashionably oblique; tape potatoes to your head and have sex on windowsills. This will help quash people's annoyance with your vagueness and your new reputation for being insane.

honky tonk tendencies

It is so not cool to be into country music in DC (unless you're a fan of the administration, and sometimes not even then).

But I've been listening to Waylon and Willie since way back, love Hank Sr. and Jr., can sing along to David Allan Coe's "You Never Even Called Me By My Name" (the world's BEST country and western song), and now I have a new love...

Gretchen Wilson's "Redneck Woman". I might even drag out my old c/w hat (which hasn't been worn since college) and sing along. And right after that I'll sing along to Green Day (who's most recent cd would be a great stocking stuffer if my family is paying any attention at all).

wanted: aging groupies (see manager for details)

Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22) There's nothing sadder than stumbling upon some PBS program where they wheel out a presumed-dead elderly singer of onetime fame to dance him around a bit. The performer energetically launches into some hundred-year-old hits and quickly becomes winded and sweaty. This will resemble your week, when enthusiasm collides with your body's limitations. Don't take that to mean you shouldn't squeeze back into the old chiffon and squeak out those falsetto notes. Just align your body's limitations with a few enthusiastic, aging groupies instead.

[Thanks to nerve.com for the continuing mockery of my pain.]

feliz cumpleanos!

My good friend, Roo, turns 30 tomorrow. He's one of my favorite persons due to his being rilly smart, rilly unique, and not a liker of other people. He hates elevator conversation, oblivious people, and things that stink.

Roo attracts small children to him like bees to honey. They know one of their own even though he is in adult form.

He likes to take things apart and never put them back together. He will rewire your basement for you if you're family, but, it might not be a real good idea really.

Don't get so excited, the man is oh-so-taken. And while is wife is small, she is wiry, and she will cut you. 

i don't just work for the weekend - i exist for it

So, here I am on Friday night - I really need to hit the showers so's I'm all fresh and sparkly to have dinner with a new friend (I've had two yogurts today so I'm gonna be a super cheap date), but there's something I need to share with you first:

Piehole

This Piehole chick is my new freakin' hero. I love her. Love her style. I'd like to bask in her drunken glory.

disney post-mortem

The trip to Disney World was a bit of a learning experience for my sister, brother-in-law and me. We learned:

1. Buy the damned tickets online before you go - you will save at least 15% doing so.
2. If the child hasn't been to an amusement park yet, or fears the new, take them to Six Flags first. Otherwise, he's gonna bail out of line every time you think you've talked him into trying one of the tamer attractions.
3. Bring granola bars, crackers, etc... Disney marks up food a good bit.
4. Rent a stroller for kids six and under. They will be far less whiny. We didn't figure this out till the last day. Still kicking ourselves for that.
5. It will always be warmer or cooler than you expected. Plan to shell out a few dollars for a t-shirt or a sweatshirt. Also plan to have to shop all over the damn place for one that doesn't have Goofy or Dopey on the front.
6. EPCOT is the best. Especially if you like to broaden your cultural horizons by buying an adult beverage at each pavillion. It makes pushing that stroller a little less burdensome.
7. The savanna view at the Animal Kingdom Lodge can be funny. We had an ankole bull in full rut right outside our window. And we got to listen to him bellow all night long. The funniest part was having my sister point out the animal's special "udders" in front of my nephew.

On the last evening, I asked my sister what her favorite parts of the trip were:
1. Having extremely sore feet, she jumped into the double-wide stroller with the nephew. He put up with it for about 10 minutes and then told her she was embarrassing him.
2. The bellowing bull outside our hotel deck.
3. My nephew's daily meltdowns - especially during the Muppet show attraction at MGM studios. (To be fair, just about every other kid we say had similar meltdowns - sensory overload or something.)

She has a twisted sense of humor too.