i am, like, huge in morocco

At least this one doesn't think I'd be even more beautiful if I was veiled:

"hello
how are you today
iam at first i think to you in this time
iam man from morocco i have 26
i want to know many about you
okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
care yourself a
adil from morocco
withe best from my heart"

I understand the limited grasp on English, but not of punctuation and capitalization. Also, I'd get why a non-practicing muslim might send me an email or wink, but not one who practices. Then again, I don't have any idea how many (or even if) muslim women are also on these websites, not to mention whether they're into the dirty instant messaging favored by so many men of countless creeds and colors.

The Saturday date (from nerve) has been confirmed and phone numbers exchanged. He seems okay. Maybe a little whiny. We'll see. Another potential suitor has requested a meeting, but is reluctant to speak on the phone. I'm not a huge fan of chatting on the phone, but it is a bonafide weeding tool - I have avoided meeting a couple psychos via phone interviews. I fully realize that people have bad days, but misogynists and assholes tend to reveal themselves easily.

temperature check

After a month-and-a-half-long respite from online dating, I may be venturing once again into this mostly uncharted territory. I think that I am feeling less cynical after so many worthless meetings. In any case, I have tentatively planned to meet a potential suitor this weekend. We've just traded a couple emails and no warning bells have pealed or red flags frantically waved.

The plans are to go stare at some art and eat something. I find that activities make even the poorest dates go better, and you really don't have to know much about art in order to talk about it. I used to think that getting the date drunk and taking advantage of him was the best way to get to know someone. Maybe I'm finally growing up. Maybe I just haven't given the drunk method a real chance...

Upcoming subject to flesh out and needing input: WORST possible wedding first dance songs. Such as the Rolling Stones You Can't Always Get What You Want, CSN &Y's Love the One You're With, and Jimmy Buffett's A Different Kind of Love Song. If you've got one to add, I want to know.

i did stuff

NYC was fun except for the cold rain yesterday afternoon/evening. I shopped, drank with friends, got a wee bit drunk, was pampered, was attacked by cats in the middle of the night, got cranky, bought several books and borrowed several pounds more, broke stuff (still sorry about that, TAS), beautified and then hauled all my loot home.

The experts at the Town Shop examined my assets and determined that I was wearing the wrong cup size. I've been bumped up to the next cup. Crazy. Two new bras (er - fierce feats in modern engineering) were purchased. TAS went up two cup sizes and bought a teensy adorable little piece of fluff with which she may show them to a better advantage.

I love the Alabama Slama. She is a goddess. A very energetic goddess. She can talk about a wide array of topics, and knows the sorts of things that a Dad might not know. Effectively, she and my Dad are my go-to people for things like how to seal a damp wall or what it means when that warning light keeps coming on in my car (actually, nobody is sure about that last one). Like I've said before, she has the energy of a small kindergarten class. I need to up my vitamin intake. Fortunately, she's dating a very nice Irish lad who seems to work and play as hard as she does.

Also got to hang out with the Brooklyn Freckler, who looks fantastic and is about to start a very interesting new job managing a performance space in her nabe. She's anxious about it, but she will be wonderful.

I also had the fortune to spend time with someone I hadn't seen in several years. We shall call him The Barney's COOP Ninja. He's doing amazing work in the area of emergency relief in areas experiencing (or recently experiencing) conflict. He just returned from some time in Liberia where he contracted a mild case of malaria. For record, I'm thinking that my plan to stick to colder climates might be a good one. Iceland is looking good. So is Scotland in the Autumn. I'm pretty sure they don't have malaria there.

New topic: La Fea Mas Bella starts tomorrow night. It's basically a copy of my most beloved Betty La Fea. BLF is what kicked off this whole telenovela madness that has become my weekday evenings. I'm beginning to wonder if I should start a viewing party situation at my nearby mexican restaurant, just so I can at least be social about it. Maybe it'll turn into the L Word or Sex in the City sort of viewing party situation, except with margaritas and coke-bottle glasses...

80% of all women are wearing the wrong bra size

I'm drawing the title information directly from a bra shop's website, so it has to be true.

But seriously, I do see lots of women out there who are bouncing a little too much. I also see lots of backfat. I can see where men would not mind the first, but we all mind the latter. Well, I don't mind mine so much since I don't have to look directly at it.

Apparently, a properly fitted bra should not show one's backfat. As a result, I am all excitement about my trip to the Town Shop this weekend.

Don't expect blog posting to resume till next week when I have thoroughly recovered. Not just from the bra shopping. But from the drinking, shopping and manicuring. In the meantime, check out this old lingerie ad!

baby fat

Mother and Sister of Whiskypants both feel that Supreme Niece has my smile. I've just realized that she also has my legs. Notice that it is cute on her. Not so much on a 35 year old. This is why I don't wear shorts or skirts anymore.

We bought the bathing suit at a little children's boutique on the Hill called Dawn Price Baby. It came with a matching sun hat. Very cute, very expensive stuff. I'm totally on the mailing list.

the easter egg bucket of wonder

I had to crop the hell out of this photo. If you look in the lower left corner you can see the bottom of a beer bottle. Just a typical Whiskpants Clan Easter. Super classy.

What is Supreme Niece looking for in that bucket? Is she wishing that she could count? Is she feeling a little nauseous? Has Supreme Nephew put some rocks in there to slow her down? 

even on easter...

... the international dating site delivers. Today, I'm invited to France:

Subject: HELLO CHARM
Message: YOU LOOK VERY BEAUTIFUL
WHAT YOU THINK IF YOU ARE INVITED BY A DOCTOR (CARDIOLOGIST) TO VISIT PARIS.....A BIENTOT

Of course, this guy doesn't even post a photo. Hey, I'm looking for a date and not to be sold into white slavery in the process. But thanks for playing.

On the match front, the latin lover told me that he would be hitting one of the memorials today and invited me to meet him there. Something is a little off about this one, but I can't put my finger on it. Obvs, I didn't go.

On the nerve front I'm exchanging messages with a couple guys.

I'm headed to NYC this weekend (taking Friday off too) for some bra-shopping mani-pedi book-buying Bloomingdales-rampaging scotch-drinking madness with the Alabama Slama and the Brooklyn Freckler. Can't. Wait.

evidently, match.com is preferred by pirates

So, since posting my badass gun nut photos on my old match profile, I've been winked at by a bonafide pirate (I have a feeling he winks at everyone - holla if this sounds familiar), some guy who seems to pilot a tourist boat on the Chesapeake, the usual doofi (plural for doofus), and a latin lover.

The "pirates" scare me as they don't look anything like Johnny Depp and probably aren't channeling Keith Richards like Depp did for the movie (I would definitely go out with someone channeling Keith). The doofi are to be expected, bless their souls. The latin lover might be okay. He says he's 5'11", which means he's at least 5'9" and he has an advanced degree.

Also, I am immediately suspicous of men whose profile names are like "Sincere4Her" and whose headlines are like "Fun and romantic... but alone". I suppose there are women out there who fall for that crap. Creepy. 

i'm officially dangerous

Updated and corrections made 4/12:
The office went on a little team-building field trip today. We ate bbq, played softball, and got to practice firing serious weapons. I'm firing an MP5 semi automatic somethingorother in the photo, and I have to tell you that I am quite a good shot. Much better than I was with the handgun (a Glock for those interested in the petty details), which has a bit of a recoil. ALSO, I did get a chance to shoot a few rounds off the P40, which was quite a rush. It barely looked like a gun, but can pierce 45 layers of kevlar. Scary stuff.

It was even better than the time I went to Quantico and got to fire the grenade launcher. At a tank. Surrounded by marines. In full combat gear. (Ah, Spring is in the air and the lady's thoughts turn to short-lived love.)

RE using this photo on dating profiles: Several crazy friends want me to post one of these photos to see what sort of freakatude I get. Also, as one friend entreated, "Think of the comedy." And she's right. So, so right. Might have to break open the match profile as I'm certainly not going to sully my nerve profile like that!

please oh please oh please!

Nerve's horoscope for Libra is quite tantalizing this week and I now have a reason to live:

Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22) McDonald's has a new TV ad in which they bleep out the word "free," and the Pussycat Dolls' new song, "Beep," is built entirely around bleeped curse words. These curious developments in profanity will reflect your week, as you take your sexual discourse to new levels of abstraction and self-reference. By the time the weekend arrives, someone will beep your beeping beep as hard as they can.

I look forward to seeing, er, beeping you, "someone."

oh!

This is not the best photo of Supreme Niece, but it speaks to me. I'm pretty sure she is saying, "Oh!" here since it is her favorite word. I have to figure out how to post audio/video clips.

In other news, I'm thinking about re-entering the dating world again, but am not sure about the online dating world. On the international site, I had an email from a muslim man (in Morocco) who told me that I'd be even more beautiful if I wore a veil. And you, sir, would be more attractive with your head removed from your ass. Seriously.

On the advice of a good friend, I joined a group called The Lunch Club - it is a networking group that just opened in DC. She's enjoyed the NYC events, so I'm going to give it a go. (Next event is a happy hour on the 12th.) Meeting people in person - it's so kitschy.

if ya gotta go...

... then go like Art Buchwald. He's not dead, yet. (Click on the "He is not dead yet" song.)

I read an article about how busy he's been since he entered hospice a week or so ago in the NY Times (sadly, already archived and demanding $3.95 to retrieve it), and the Washington Post has an article today.

Mr. Buchwald decided to forego dialysis and entered a hospice expecting to live about 2-3 weeks. It has been 9. He's been the country's most popular dying person. While I can imagine his family's hurt, I envy his humor and pluck at this time.

Q. Do you have plans yet for your memorial service?
A. Yes, I've chosen my speakers. I showed the list to a lady friend, and she said, "You have no women speaking for you." I told her all my girlfriends are going to be pallbearers. When I mentioned it to one lady friend, she became excited and asked, "What should I wear?"

"So for just choosing a way to say goodbye, I now have a chance to relive every walk of my life and all the memories.

I don't want you to think I'm recommending a hospice -- unless you can be assured you're going to be on television and in the New York Times. You don't want to leave this world without anybody knowing you've been here."

the water's still too cold, i forgot my floaties, just ate...

Online dating is still an unpleasant prospect, so I'm staying out of the online dating pool for just a bit longer. I had tentative plans to meet with an Italian flight attendant (a male flight attendant) last night, and let a headache get in the way. That's right. I cancelled a sure thing. At least the messages I get from the meetic guys are hilarious (these are the ones that I don't plan to respond to - and one I plan to "block"):

From somewhere in France (I recommend reading this aloud with a Pepe le Pew sort of accent): "hello, I am French and I seek has to make meeting to make knowledge and to communicate have msn to speak? I would be happy. bye" [Thanks, Pepe. I seek has to make pushing to make delete. Keep on keepin' on!]

From Madrid (como se dice "stalker" en espanol?): Hi, corazon....veo tu foto y me gustaria poder tomar tuca bello y besarte en la boca...despacio...durante mucho tiempo [Ick.] !!.....toda una tarde besandote y viendo tus ojos maravillosos....Sorry [Then stop with the kissing and looking into my eyes crap you dork.]!. Es lo que he sentido al ver tu foto [Dude - just go buy a nudie magazine - I guarantee you'll have more of a relationship with it than you could with me.]....podria haberlo suavizado o incluso hacer un poema omaquillarlo o suavizarlo.....pero "la verdad" de lo que he sentido....ya te la he dicho!. La culpa la tiene tu pais [?].....es un país en el que se dice la verdad de lo que uno siente [??]....yo acabo de venir de alli....he estado una semana en Los Angeles y un mes en Miami [Did you pay attention when they delivered all those restraining orders?]...ahora que estoy en Espana me he metido en esto de buscar pareja por internet y me doy cuenta de que existen mujeres maravillosas como tu [Which you divined from my 5 sentence narrative statement. Riiiiiight.] ....con esa mirada...en ella veo tu alma....un alma grande, limpia y noble....y tan femenina [You, amigo mio, spend way too much time watching telenovelas and reading Spanish Cosmo.] !. Me motivas mucho [I think this might be a nice way to say something dirty, but I so don't want to think about that.]....esta noche no sé si lograre poder dormir [Oh jeez.] ...tengo tus ojos en mis ojos...tu frente, tus cejas, tu nariz, tuboca, tu pelo [You just had to go there. What a tool.]......Me gustaria mucho poder estar contigo y tomar un buen vino (español, por supuesto)....esta bien!,tambien puede ser de California....ja, ja, ja.. [Like "lol", "ja, ja, ja" also annoys the crap out of me.] Que bonitoes sonar!. De todas maneras te doy mi direccion de correo: ____@hotmail.com y mis numeros de teléfono: [yeah - I'm so going to lay out the international long distance dollars to speak to a guy that calls me "corazon de melon" WTF?] Llámame y hablaremos....ya sabes lo que se dice: que hablando se entiende la gente!!. Te mando un beso muy fuerte. Cuidate cielo. Bye. Angel Jose. [Don't hold your breath, AJ. Wait, on second thought, do.]

From Belgium (this one seems normal): Hi, Why are always the women that I find great 9000KM from my place?Anyway, I hope you'll find what you're looking for. Regards, Serge From Brussels [Actually, this guy probably deserves a nice note.]

From Alabama (this one liked me so much he sent the same message twice - I have no doubt that it is his standard letter that he has sent to at least 50 women in the past 36 hours): Hello there, I'm James M----n by name and I reside in Enterprise city in AL, USA. After going through your profile, I think it'll be nice getting to know you better. I'm a young man of 36 and I'm also a business man. I'm 5ft 7" tall [He's barely a hair over 5'5.5".] . I'm single [well, let's hope so] and I'm seeking for a serious relationship which I hopefully believe that I'll find one on here. It might surprise you that I'm yet to marry at my age [Nope], but I think when we get to know each other much better, you get to know more about me. I'll love to know more about you too. So my contact email address is [sends both yahoo and hotmail addresses, which are incredibly similar]. I'll be waiting for your response. [Riiiiight.] Have a nice day.

From Lisbon: hello baby [As an opening line, 'hello baby' doesn't even work for me in person], how are you, fine i hope...you have a nice and pretty face...i send you a e-mail from Lisbon, have you eard about it [Wouldn't that be sort of like my asking him if he had ever heard of Washington DC? WTF?]...tell-me more about you..kisses

But the chemistry crew is just as bad. I was "matched" with this one guy that had 25 photos in his profile. Only one of those photos was actually of him, and it was obviously dated. So, we get to the second stage of things where you trade 2 questions, and his questions are simply statements about how he doesn't like the process and won't answer any questions and that if I am interested in meeting to check out his match profile (would it be okay for me to provide this info in this forum? Because I think I need to warn my fellow women about this arrogant f*ck - it is 35mmcamera). His profile had a few red flags. And apparently his sign-on name for chemistry is "obgynmd", and no, he's not a doctor. I hit delete PDQ.

I'm concerned that I find this all so amusing.

auntie em, uncle henry, toto! it's a twister! it's a twister!

Even though they haven't actually verified that a tornado tore through my family's neighborhood in MO yesterday, they had some serious damage to the home. My sister swears that it had to have been pretty close to a tornado since it sounded much like a freight train going past the house. One of the two-story columns (too heavy for two men to move) in front was blown completely off and to the side of the house, and the garage door was seriously dented. There was some damage to the patio furniture as well. They're waiting for the insurance folks to see what else broke.

It was rather scary for the kids.

DC was under a tornado watch for a while tonight, and there were a few minutes around 7 pm that I was a bit worried - I could smell the ozone from inside my apartment - never a good sign.

The subject line quote is from Johnny from Airplane; the best movie ever.